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Friday, July 14, 2017

In Closing...

It gets better. 

Who could've guessed I'd ever be able to say that, but it does! Keep fighting. Keep getting up every day. If you can't live for yourself, find something to live for (it's ok if that thing is wanting your hair to grow back...). Tell someone you're hurting--email me if you need to. Be honest with yourself, even if the truth isn't flattering (I had to admit, "you're doing this because people coddle you and you're too lazy to grow up). Acknowledge that you'll have lapses; lapses aren't failures. Just keep going. It's gonna be ok! IT GETS BETTER. 







Saturday, April 26, 2014

The BEST Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe!


Step #1: Preheat oven to 375°
Step#2: Put the flour, baking soda, and baking powder in a bowl and mix together with a fork or whisk to make sure it combines.
Step #3: Add the sugar, brown sugar (ADD A HEAPING 1/2 CUP BROWN SUGAR TO MAKE THEM GOOIER! Otherwise just add equal amounts of sugar and brown sugar), butter, shortening, egg, vanilla, and salt in to the bowl. If you want to, ad 1/2 tsp of butter flavoring. I think it's lovely.
  • DO NOT USE ELECTRIC MIXER! I swear those things have ruined baking. It's very easy to over-work dough of any kind. If you overwork the butter and shortening, your cookies will turn out flat. Keep it simple; one bowl and a big wooden spoon.


Step #4: Once all of this is combined, add in the chocolate chips and put dough in the fridge for 10 minutes. (You don't have to, but it will also help the cookies be less flat.
Step #5: Put 1/2 inch balls of dough on a cool, nonstick cookie sheet (I like using parchment paper). Don't put the dough on a warm cookie sheet: that will also flatten your cookie! You don’t need to roll them in to perfect balls, but I think they look prettier.
Step #6: Bake for 8-10 minutes at 375° or until light brown around the edge. Start at 7 minutes and check them because you never know how your oven compares to mine. :) Also I like mine a gooey-to-the-point-of-almost-raw. 
Step #7: Let them cool (a little) and serve with milk!




Monday, January 20, 2014

REAL Women Have Curves, REAL Men Love Curves

Bullshit. REAL women have two X chromosomes. REAL men love whatever the hell they want! I've had surreal experiences but have never actually met an UNREAL person; THAT would be a good blog entry...
I'm going chastise my own self here, feel free to insert your name.
Camilla, your quest for self-esteem would be shorter and smoother if you didn't let it be derailed by the mountainous piles of people you scrutinize to determine whether you are "more" or "less" than they are in any given area.
They cool. You cool. We cool.  Let's walk together and bask in our mutual but different coolness. It sounds more fun. And less lonely. Plus diversity is so much more interesting.

(Random aside: Writing this has brought to mind that yogurt commercial,
"In a perfect world, every man would look like John Stamos..." 
...
Now I like uncle Jesse but I also cannot emphasize enough how much I adore living in a realm where I can easily distinguish my boyfriend from my Dad, my brothers, and members of the clergy.)

And now. Pictures to make you laugh.





Tuesday, January 14, 2014

For Mothers: You're Amazing

I don't have children, but I know and love a lot of people who do. One of my dearest friends is the mother of three beautiful girls; girls who know that who they are is pretty fantastic. 
Didn't we all start out that way? 
Excuse my language, but I know for a fact that three-year-old Camilla KNEW she was the shi*. I was adored my parents and Brother and aunts and grandparents; to the point that my little baby-mind thought, "I appear to be some kind of Goddess. Excellent." But along the way I was taught something different. Something maybe less true.
I wanted to share these articles written by mommas that illustrate beautifully the fears I have about pregnancy, and having children (especially girls) in this world. What will it do to my body? Will I be unattractive? How can I protect my daughters from the lying media? From this disease?
I've become annoyed reading/seeing/hearing about celebrity "bodies after baby." Stories that perpetuate the lie that there's something wrong or ruined about a post-partum bod. Like Kate Middleton wasn't stunningly gorgeous after she was delivered.
Like getting induced simply to avoid stretch marks is totally normal behavior (as are 1200 calories a day/4 hour daily workouts/personal chefs/personal trainers). When I was a young woman I overheard a friend of my mom's saying that she and her husband saw her stretch marks as "sacred." Concrete and physical evidence that she her child had lived inside her; that they both had experienced something divine in bringing a spirit child of God into the human world. This article ("Babies Ruin Bodies") reminded me of that.
There are probably no tried and true methods to ensure our girls won't struggle with body image... I don't remember my mom really talking about her body or food very much, and yet I still learned to loathe my curves. I'm grateful that recently actresses like Annasophia Robb and Jennifer Lawrence (ok, ok . . . Even the Kardashian sisters...) are popular--yes they're thin, but also so much stronger-looking than the waifish women I wanted to look like. 
When I read this,
"13 years ago, when the ultrasound technician turned to me and said, “It’s a girl,” my first thoughts weren’t rose-colored feminine fantasies of toddler tea parties and tutus, they were panicked premonitions of passing on my own permanently warped body image and twisted eating habits." I thought, yes. This is one of my greatest fears and I don't even have children. I fear it for my future kids, my friends' kids, my cousins, and pretty much every little girl I ever see. I just pray they don't have these demons.... I loved this woman's outlook. She can't do everything, but she can accept herself. Even if it's hard. For her daughter. ("I Gained 10 Pounds So My Daughter Won't Hate Herself")
I really wasn't expecting to write this much, I just wanted to share these articles (and putting them on here means I'll be able to find them again...). 
Fight the good fight. 


Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!!

It's the last day of the month. And this means it's Halloween and ALSO the last day to donate to Beckham's Battle! I'm happy to report we have raised $1,237.11!! I'm so happy and so thankful to everyone who donated. So far...
Also if you've not yet received cookies (Andrew, Erin, Nic, Cody, Jenica) please remember to let me know what kind you want and where to send them!

You can still bid/donate! Just click any donate button on this site (keep reading... There's one coming up.

Beckham is bravely fighting stage 4 neuroblastoma.
All proceeds from this auction and donations made on this blog will go to Beckham and his family.

Read his story here..

The winner of this auction will receive a batch (about 2-3 dozen) of the cookies of their choice from the cookie menu (or see below)

Bidding starts at $20, all proceeds go to Beckham's medical expenses!
Place bids in comment section below, bidding ends at 9 pm pacific time
To contribute without bidding, click the "donate" button above or here:
******************************
Hooray! 
You won the cookie auction for Beckham! Please select the type of cookie you'd like from the menu below 
(Menu was chosen based on how well cookies can travel....)
 Andes Mint Chip
 Chocolate Pudding with White Chocolate Chips
 Oatmeal White Chocolate Blueberry
 Chocolate pudding with Chocolate Chips
 PeanutButter-filled Chocolate
 Chocolate Chip
 Oatmeal Raisin
 Peanut Butter Candy Cookies

 Chocolate Pudding with Peanut Butter Chips
Lemon-Thyme Shortbread
Oatmeal Butterscotch (can be gluten free)
>

Sunday, October 20, 2013

100.8 FRNK FM

I'm proud of my weight. There's the thing no one wants to hear; the thing I "shouldn't" think or feel. Yep. I'm proud. And also guilty for how that looks and sounds. I think I'm grasping for anything I can say I do well. I wanted to be the best at recovery but I'm not. I suck at recovery. I'm good at being underweight. That's easy. It's the easiest.
I wish I liked anything as much as I hate me. To have to be around me all the time is painful which is why I'm constantly in a medicated haze. It makes life livable.
If my brain were a limb it would be oozing pus and goopy with infection. And maybe someone would've cut the infection out or amputated the limb. But brain problems don't work like that. I wish the sick part of my brain would be dug out at the root and thrown away. Maybe someday.
I don't actually want to die. I'm terrified of dying. I don't want to meet God and my ancestors knowing that I killed myself. I'm afraid that death will hurt. But at the same time I feel so stuck that there is no other word for what I want. I can't live this way, I don't want to live any other way. I don't want anything. I'm only content in my sleep, and only if it's dreamless. I hurt when I wake up. My body hurts. The space between my layers of skin hurt. My pores hurt. My veins ache. My eyes burn. I can't see. I don't see. And people snicker when I talk to something that's not there.
If only my life were more like 1983.
All these things would be more like they were at the start of me.
I don't even know what's happening right now... This can't be real life.

Selfish
Spoiled
Stupid
Lazy
Ungrateful
Ugly
Self centered
Pathetic
Quitter
Loser

You can't even hurt my feelings because every "mean" thing you're thinking is not only true, but I've already thought it at least once since you started reading this sentence.

Friday, October 18, 2013

A year ago today I walked into CFC and fell apart. I spent 5 months getting physically stronger and mentally saner. I felt ready to go when I left, but honestly I thought I could keep little bits of Frank and stay in recovery. I was wrong. Bits turned into pieces, which turned into chunks... And here I am a year later. Not back to square one, but definitely too close. I've learned so much and in a lot of ways I'm healthier. I can keep appointments and talk to people without totally losing it. I don't cry when I eat. I don't try to control what others eat (as much...). I fall asleep earlier and don't work out 4 hours a day... But I see where this is going.
I'm trying to get back to cfc if I can; for a "tune-up." I'm a pound away from being under 100 which is not ok. The Frank is proud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed I've let people down.
I'm not sure what I wanted to say in this blog, but I felt like I should commemorate my year-mark somehow.
I hope you'll all forgive my failings and celebrate the small improvements. Here's hoping next year will be better.